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The real draw here is the special effects, and they are as good as advertised, though a tad lopsided. The Autobots are given distinct looks and even personality — most notably their leader, Optimus Prime, who benefits from having original cartoon-series voice-actor Peter Cullen working his vocal circuits. But the Decepticons, which range from giant hulking tanks to tiny, gremlin-like imps, all look, act, and sound the same. By the time the giant showdown occurs — you know, the one you're dying to see since the first minute of the film — the editing overtakes the special effects and renders both sides indistinguishable masses of clanking metal. Even during the slo-mo bot shots, most people would be hard-pressed to tell if they should be booing or cheering for the robot onscreen. And because no one seems to have punished Bay for committing the same sin in Bad Boys 2, Transformers is a good 45 minutes longer than it needs to be. Since the storyline is hokey and the characters basically 2-D (the only one who seems to be in on the joke is John Turturro, who dives into his role with both feet as a comic-book villain), the "cube showdown" could come a lot earlier on. Bay could have cut one or two of the "Autobots driving through the desert" sequences that strive for iconic status, but end up looking like the slickest car commercial you've ever seen.

But calling a summer movie out for being a big, dumb commercial (especially this year) is ridiculous — Transformers succeeds because of the truth in the film's advertising. It's a Godzilla movie with better effects.

So grab some popcorn and make a pit stop, then sit back and enjoy it. You signed up for a movie about giant robots.

— Eric Alt