Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson in Twilight Courtesy of Summit Entertainment

The Twilight teens are doing the Hot Topic rounds, but they're not the first (or, some would argue, the best) vampires to hit the big screen.

Dim the lights, bless your water supply, and go heavy on the garlic as we take a big bite of the suckiest vamps Hollywood has to offer.

GOTHIEST:
Count Dracula
Played by: Bela Lugosi
Film: Dracula (1931)
Contribution to vampire lore: Everything. Sure, Bram Stoker deserves some credit, but in movie terms, Bela is the lodestone. The accent, the fashion sense, the aversion to sunlight and wine, the brides, the coffins, the bat-transformations, the Bauhaus tribute — this is where it all began.

Lon Chaney in London After Midnight Courtesy of MGM

CREEPIEST FANGS:
Inspector Edward Burke
Played by: Lon Chaney
Film: London After Midnight (1927)
Contribution to vampire lore: Lon Chaney''s talent for grotesque transformations can also be seen in The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Phantom of the Opera, and Laugh, Clown, Laugh, but it was his shark-like teeth and bulging eyes that makes his Inspector Burke legendarily icky.

MOST LIKELY TO BE A VAMPIRE IN REAL LIFE:
Max Schreck
Played by: Willem Dafoe
Film: Shadow of the Vampire (2000)
Contribution to vampire lore: Was Max Schreck, star of F.W. Murnau's silent classic Nosferatu, an actor, an alias, or… the real thing? Willem Dafoe's portrayal of Schreck left us leaning toward the latter — not to mention Dafoe needs little help in being unsettling (even when he's playing Jesus). Director E. Elias Merhige's previous flick Begotten also left us wondering if the auteur had himself ever seen the light of day.

SMOOOOOVEST:
Count Vladimir Dracula
Played by: George Hamilton
Film: Love at First Bite (1979)
Contribution to vampire lore: Vampires can tan. Hamilton's slick, comedic Count may have layered on the pancake makeup, but there's no hiding that Hawaiian-Tropic sheen. Maybe vampires aren't as susceptible to sun lamps.

Willem Dafoe in Shadow of the Vampire Courtesy of Lionsgate Films

DORKIEST:
Max
Played by: Edward Herrmann
Film: The Lost Boys (1987)
Contribution to vampire lore: It's always the quiet ones. Kiefer Sutherland and his goth biker gang screamed "vampire" from the word go, so Herrmann's papa bloodsucker Max is made even scarier by comparison. Forget the fangs and the long capes; this guy looks like your high-school social-studies teacher.

BRATTIEST:
Claudia
Played by: Kirsten Dunst
Film: Interview With a Vampire (1994)
Contribution to vampire lore: Claudia perfectly embodied the dark side of immortality. If you're a 20-something Brad Pitt, it might be mildly depressing from time to time, but try being stuck in the doll-like body of an eight-year-old girl while your mind grows and matures. Staying young forever has its downside, too — not the least of which you never get to be Spidey's girlfriend.

BEST DANCER:
Satanica Pandemonium
Played by: Salma Hayek
Film: From Dusk 'Til Dawn (1996)
Contribution to vampire lore: Female vampires have long enjoyed a reputation for being as jaw-droppingly sexy as they are deadly. At first, Satanica fits the mold (and the bikini, and the albino snake) to a "T." But when she finally reveals her true self, "sexy" is quickly replaced by "reptilian and evil." But she does get points for having, hands down, the greatest vampire name of all time.

Winona Ryder and Gary Oldman in Bram Stoker's Dracula Courtesy of Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

AWESOMEST HAIR:
Vlad Tepes/Count Dracula
Played by: Gary Oldman
Film: Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)
Contribution to vampire lore: Francis Ford Coppola's take on Dracula links the character more directly to its historical anchor (the misunderstood Prince of Wallachia, Vlad "The Impaler"), but also takes Dracula's shape-shifting abilities to new levels. While some folks ragged on Coppola's vision, countless others bought the posters for their dorm rooms.

MOST ANDROGYNOUS:
John
Played by: David Bowie
Film: The Hunger (1983)
Contribution to vampire lore: A vampire who fears for his own life? In this stripped-down take on vampirism (is it supernatural, or a virus?), Bowie's semi-human John finds out that his immortality only lasts for a century or so before things quickly go downhill. And Catherine Deneuve's Miriam turns the "vampire harem" concept on its ear, much to the delight and titillation of viewers. Plus, angry monkeys and a Bauhaus cameo (see above re: Bela Lugosi).

Parker Posey in Blade: Trinity Courtesy of New Line Cinema

SNOTTIEST:
Danica Talos
Played by: Parker Posey
Film: Blade: Trinity (2004)
Contribution to vampire lore: Vampires can be whiny, white-trash trailer queens, too. Posey's Danica comes across less like a skulking creature of the night and more like a smart-mouthed, fashion-challenged, snippy — well, in short, she comes across like Parker Posey as a vampire.

MOST RIPPED:
Michael Corvin
Played by: Scott Speedman
Film: Underworld (2003)
Contribution to vampire lore: "Your vampire is in my werewolf!" "No, your werewolf is in my vampire!" Two great tastes that taste great together, Corvin solves the alpha-monster tension between werewolves and vampires by mixing blood and becoming a super-powered hybrid of both. Apparently, it's great for the abs.

COUGAR-PIRE:
The Countess
Played by: Lauren Hutton
Film: Once Bitten (1985)
Contribution to vampire lore: Another female vampire who keeps a stable of young studs at her beck and call, the Countess adds some flair by "collecting" virginal boys from different eras in history. Sadly, due to budget constraints and the '80s, the gaggle of lost boys (a civil war soldier, a cowboy) end up looking more like the Village People.

SOULIEST:
Mamuwalde
Played by: William Marshall
Film: Blacula (1972)
Contribution to vampire lore: Well, for one, it shows that Count Dracula traveled to other places besides England (Mamuwalde was an African prince "turned" by the famous Count). And seeing as vampires exist in one form or another in every genre imaginable, it makes sense that they'd put their stamp on the Blaxploitation arena.

Amanda Donohoe in The Lair of the White Worm Courtesy of White Lair

CHOMPIEST:
Lady Sylvia Marsh
Played by: Amanda Donohoe
Film: The Lair of the White Worm (1988)
Contribution to vampire lore: Wolves? Sure. Bats? Of course. But the Lady Marsh has a different vampiric inspiration: snakes. Her bite isn't intended to suck blood like a typical vampire; rather, she injects venom into her victims so that she can serve them to her reptile god. And her preferred sweet spot for injections? Let's put it this way: Fellas, protect the "white worm."

JAMBI'S FAVORITE VAMPIRE:
Amilyn
Played by: Paul Reubens
Film: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)
Contribution to vampire lore: Why do the undead have to be so serious all the time? Even in death, after Buffy has finally driven a stake through his heart, Amilyn stretches his "agonizing" final moments into one final, sarcastic, melodramatic "F-you." Plus, his goatee and greasy hair combo is probably at least marginally responsible for Korn.

Geena Davis in Transylvania 6-5000

MOST REVEALING:
Odette
Played by: Geena Davis
Film: Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)
Contribution to vampire lore: Because Odette's "vampirism" turns out to have a pedestrian (not to mention ludicrous) medical explanation, Odette's contribution isn't very substantial. Still, without her "Count Dracula–meets–Fredrick's of Hollywood" getup, what would sorority girls do on Halloween?

SWANKIEST:
Count Dracula
Played by: Christopher Lee
Film: Horror of Dracula (1958)
Contribution to vampire lore: Lee's Count pulls Dracula out of the dank, desolate castles of old and posits him as — to borrow a phrase from the Rolling Stones — "a man of wealth and taste." Lee helped craft a more sophisticated vision of the vampire, even if the famed Hammer Studios production team was a little heavy-handed with the Technicolor-crimson blood.

Ferdy Mayne and Sharon Tate in Fearless Vampire Killers Courtesy of MGM

BEST TITLE TURNED INTO A BAD BRAINS SONG:
Count Von Krolock
Played by: Ferdy Mayne
Film: Fearless Vampire Killers (1967)
Contribution to vampire lore: If you have power over the undead, you could use them as bodyguards or manual laborers — or you could take a cue from Krolock and stage elaborate costume balls with zombies dressed as courtiers. Mayne's villainous Count may look by-the-numbers otherwise — black cape, big fangs, pale skin — but his M.O. has a touch of the oft-kilter… just like the movie. And let's not forget appearances by Sharon Tate and Roman Polanski as a kidnapped damsel in distress and the vampire hunter's apprentice, respectively.