Twilight

The Pitch: A dreamy vampire (Rob Pattinson) woos an innocent high school girl (Kristen Stewart).

What It Really Is: Massively hyped romance movie based on popular books aimed directly at teen girls' hearts.

The Vampire: Edward Cullen is everything a teen girl fantasizes about — dangerous, protective, and heavily made-up. He's also dramatic, like when he refers to her blood as his "own personal brand of heroin." And he sparkles in the sunshine. Apparently they had a teen girl write the screenplay as well.

Personal Fact About Us: You know what our personal brand of heroin is? Heroin. Nothing like the real thing, baby. Also, we know how to blend white face powder.

Can We Be Serious For a Moment?Twilight takes the theme of vampirism as sexual sublimation to a whole new level, and it's hard to overlook the religious undertones of the scene when Edward catches an apple Bella drops and offers it to her on his open palms like the cover of the Twilight books. Or when Bella trustingly cuddles up to him while he intones, "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb." This line garnered shrieks from the teens in the audience because it's a direct quote from the book, but the religious symbolism couldn't be more obvious (or disturbing). Keep your religion out of our vampires, Hollywood!