Critical Analysis: The Dialogue of 'The Fast and the Furious'

Fast and Furious is out in theaters now, so we though it was fitting to take a look back at the movie that started it all. This started as a list of the 10 cheesiest lines from the movie and spiraled out of control. The suckiness of the dialog in this movie can't be contained in a mere top 10 list. And that's pretty much why we love it.

Vince: What's up with this fool? What is he, sandwich crazy?
Leon: Nah, V. He ain't here for the food, dog. He's tryin' to get in Mia's Pants.

Insightful Critical Analysis: Obviously, Leon, Vince was not under the impression that he was actually crazy about the sub-par tuna sandwiches. But, thank you for providing a very literal, and ultimately accurate, assessment of the situation.

Brian: Hey man, he was in my face.
Dom: I'm in your face.

Insightful Critical Analysis: It's not even really that horrible of an exchange, but it spawned this amazing internet Meme, so it's worth noting.

Dom: Brian Earl Spilner. Sounds like a serial killer name. Is that what you are?
Brian: Nah, man.

Insightful Critical Analysis: Here's a lesson in etiquette that applies to all social circles, including street racers: Don't reply to rhetorical questions. Also, we are interested to know why the writers thought that sounded like a serial killer name.

Harry: Amateurs don't use nitrous oxide. I've seen the way you drive. You've got a heavy foot. You'll blow yourself to pieces.

Insightful Critical Analysis: In the plot, Harry is a guy helping out the cops because they strong arm him using some felony charges. Judging by the way this clunky line is delivered, it seems that the actor may have had the same deal.

Hector: They call me Hector. I got a last name, too, but I can't pronounce it, so...

Insightful Critical Analysis: Hey, it's funny because he's ethnic. Right?

Letty: Rraawrrrr. I smell [sniffs] skanks. Why don't you girls just pack it up before I leave tread marks on your face.
Skank: OK.

Insightful Critical Analysis: Michelle Rodriguez really cranks up the embarrassment factor when delivering any kind of line in this movie. Just seeing her on screen gives me that feeling we used to get watching Uncle Jessie's band play on Full House. Plus, "OK" might be the greatest ever response to being called a skank.

Dom: What are you smiling about?
Brian: Dude, I almost had you.
Dom: You almost had me? You never had me. You never had your car.

Insightful Critical Analysis: It's true, he never had you. That's why he said, "Almost."

Dom: I had Jesse run a profile on you, Brian Earl Spilner. You can learn anything on the Web, anything about anybody.

Insightful Critical Analysis: We love when movies mention the internet in slightly inappropriate ways. We would love to know what "running a profile" entails. It should be more like, "Jesse typed your name into Google."

Vince playing the guitar

Insightful Critical Analysis: While this isn't actually a piece of dialog, we feel that it's one of the douchiest moments in the whole movie. If someone came to one of our parties and started playing that riff and making that face, he would not be invited to stay for cake.

Dom: You can have any brew you want as long as it's a Corona.

Insightful Critical Analysis: This one is open to interpretation. Is he joking because all of the beers are Coronas? Or is he really possessive of the sixer of Heineken he keeps in the fridge?

Agent Bilkins: You want time, buy the magazine. We don't have time.

Insightful Critical Analysis: We see what you did there. Do you have People?

Tanner: Not that I want to contradict Harry's fine judge of character, but Toretto did hard time for nearly beating a guy to death. He's got nitrous oxide in his blood and a gas tank for a brain. Do not turn your back on him.

Insightful Critical Analysis: He nearly beats us to death with car metaphors. We wonder if he had mud flaps for eyelids. Maybe he had tiny windshields for fingernails, too.